It’s easy to find flaws in others. People, plans, projects — they’ve all got problems. Simpler still, is poking holes in ourselves. When it’s all inside within plain sight — and, with immediate access to “comp sets” & critique — it’s almost impossible not to get paralyzed by perfectionism. We become so astute to appearing hypocritical, that we opt out entirely.
But this form of self-victimization is just another excuse for inaction. A manifestation of fear and absolutism, conveniently-disguised as holistic consciousness. We’ve given too much power to pursuits of perfection, and it’s time to take that power back…
Are Intentions Enough?
Our motives are often pure to begin, but as we advance, grey areas emerge. Action in one way could alienate another, while miscommunication can muddy our attempts, and even make us a target. Could we become an enemy of the very cause we’re fighting for? The answer is yes, but the solution is “fuck ‘em.” With zero hostility and utmost respect, let them have their opinion while you remain confident in your intent. You’re not obligated to explain yourself to anyone.
There’s only one catch to this simple solution: we can feign intentions to others, but can’t hoodwink our hearts. Impure motives always float to the top. And, what began as pure, must be reevaluated & reinforced as new challengers, like greed & power, join the party. The guest list is full for those that save-the-world in their mission statement but maximize profit in their boardrooms. These pursuits mustn’t be mutually exclusive, but the veil has been lifted. Transparency, a la the internet, has entered the chat.
No obligation doesn’t mean there’s no value in explaining ourselves. Sharing and teaching truths is the only way we’ll learn from each other and align. Those who self-examine will have no issue doing so. Those who don’t, will flop. But, that’s ok too. We all have the right to try on new views & values as often & erratically as we choose. Sure, we might lose some credibility in doing so, but that’s a small setback for self-actualization. Making the changes our hearts call for should always trump saving face or being “right.”
Here are a few hypocrisy struggles I war with…
Mistaking Vulnerability for Vanity
I decided early that I didn’t want to be arrogant. Despite being celebrated in many circles, I just knew it wasn’t me. But, what I didn’t grasp was how one’s “arrogance” could actually be a reflection of my own insecurities. What I called cocky, could be confidence, and being confident doesn’t necessitate narcissism.
In fact, sharing one’s Self is often an act of vulnerability, and a noble one at that. The ego only steps in when we try to manipulate our image or outcome. Intentions may vary drastically, but that’s the problem with intentions: we can only know our own. Had I been more confident in mine, I wouldn’t have squandered so much time worrying that charisma would be confused for conceit.
So, while I’m still drawn to subtle stars, like Frank Ocean or Greta Garbo, I’ve also learned to admire the more exposed & vulnerable, who squash the allure of Oz, and — as my lover says — “leave it all on the dance floor.” Sharing our processes & evolutions amplifies empathy, which then translates to togetherness…
Appreciation vs Appropriation
Anyone I’ve connected with has probably heard me say that “travel is my greatest teacher.” It’s taught me more about my Self, others and the World than any classroom or office. Travel also amplifies empathy by making us appreciate, and sometimes prefer, the way others live. But centuries of colonialism can make us second-guess our natural resonances; a healthy dose of doubt for those that look like me.
I’m not sayings this is unwarranted, nor do I oppose reparation debates, but when does appreciation become appropriation, and who’s the judge? I believe it all boils down to context & consent. Wearing a traditional headpiece for Halloween is far different from being invited to partake in someone’s ceremonies. Distant onlookers may view even the latter as appropriation, so we must ask ourselves if/when we’re responsible for their feelings.
Clear consent comes when those who’ve personally shared with us feel empowered by our actions. Cultural studies might suffice when we don’t have a direct connect, just as they may persuade us to hold off or dig deeper. Some customs might be so sacred that they’re better left alone…
Regardless of reactions, cultures will mix exponentially as we continue to travel. And, just as I don’t believe in the binary, I can’t be cool with only wearing Converse or listening to Country just because I’m white. So, if you feel happier in a Japanese kimono, seek genuine consent, then wear it. Your happiness means a lot more to this world than the insecurity it may stir in others.
When Progress is the Problem
Up until recently, the word “progress” made me cringe. I felt like it always precluded sacrifice. Progress at the cost of ____. New technology? There goes our social skills. More convenient? Here come the crowds. I got so good at poking holes in progress, that even outwardly imperfect improvements couldn’t make the cut. We might as well have all stagnated in fear of side-effects.
That’s exactly what I was doing. If I could invalidate external progress, my own ambitions would follow suit. There would be no utility in starting a business or sharing a song if I couldn’t be sure I had checked all the boxes. My abhorrence of hypocrisy reincarnated as apathy. And while I still don’t believe all progress is positive, I’ve learned to see things in a less linear way.
If I take action, it’s probable that my vision won’t come to fruition in this lifetime. I may even be misunderstood or misrepresented to the extent that the holes in my plans shine brighter than my purpose. But movement, in either direction, could also mean that the next generation picks up one step closer to the complete, or improved, vision. And that, in itself, gives precedence to progress.
Where to Now?
These are just some examples of my personal bouts with perfectionism. While I’d never defend hypocrisy, I hope this helps those of us who sacrifice aspirations avoiding it. Here are some oversimplified steps to support:
- Assume best intentions. We’re free when we see trust as a thing to be lost, not gained.
- Ask questions that encourage learning & growth. If your motive is to poke holes or prove your point, go back to step one and check yourself.
- Be confident and take action. The only way to be better than your current best is by doing.
As with most questions of the Self, our answers lie in how we view & treat others. If we apply the above before judging “them,” clarity will come to “I.”
So take this as an act of defiance — or if you respond better to humility, a request for permission — to make mistakes and contradict ourselves in the name of learning & growth. Declare independence from evading hypocrisy and “getting it right the first time.” Find liberty in living perfectly imperfect.
